Lately, I have been put in a position where I simply do not know what to say, how to say it or how to react. If I say something, there is a possibility that it will be perceived differently from what I am actually saying. This is draining.
I can't even freely show facial expressions anymore. My eyes, my head, my lips, they have a mind of their own. They sometimes go where I don't send them. They pretty much land me in hot soup. I am really stuck between a rock and a hard place.
It's even hard when you can't speak your mind because you are afraid. This is not living. My freedom is not free. I don't want to turn into the person that I am not. It's suffocating.
I am afraid again. I am taken back to days when I was scolded as a child. When I was forced into a shell. I hate this shell. I want to be free again. But I am Afraid! Afraid of what can happen if I speak up.
If I could scream out, I would. But that wouldn't be alright, would it? Hmmm, just when I thought these times will never come back again.
My chest is pressed. The words I can't speak out, my mind makes louder now. It's really loud. It's endless and I am restless. I am Afraid again.
What happens now? My mind has raced to many places. This anxiety, who will carry it away?
I have treasured the presence of carefree expressions for sometime.
I know I will return someday. I will be able rest easy again. I will laugh again. I will get my HAPPY back. I will be myself again.
For now I hold back. I will wait until my wings are strong enough to fly again.
‘The truth will set you free. But not until it is finished with you.
David Foster Wallace